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My name is Ken. I live in Seattle and I've got deep roots in ballet, music, and art (in general). This blog is an emphasis on the things I see and enjoy in life and the things that define me as an individual.
Swollen Wishes
I wish that I could be brave enough to walk up to you and just open up your chest as if it were a set of abandoned cellar doors, to take out your heart and stick it right where mine belongs like it was mine all along. I’d keep it in plain sight because I’ve been searching for love a while now and you need to understand that you console my soul like the moon pulls on water, except a lot harder, try picturing being underwater, held there no matter how hard I kick I can’t shake myself free, it’s like a reversed suspension and I wonder if this is exactly how love would feel. The tension is just getting as painful as the pressure and I reach the point where I’m beginning to break from inside-out, please excuse me while I recollect all these pieces of myself. Now try to imagine being so helpless like there’s that little kid dicking around on an old super-nintendo and I am just the joystick. Now I’m not complaining because every time I get to hold your hand I am overjoyed to be held in return, even if you don’t mean it like that, even if I have a natural tendency to get burned. I really, really wish I could control the way i feel about you. It drives me crazy knowing that I could tell you that I’ve loved you all along, ever since the summer of 09’ I would dream of you being mine. I wish I would just confess that you’re hands down the most beautifully divine person I’ll ever know. The drive is there but I guess I’m just too scared of rejection. I’ve been there too many times like the scrawny kid enrolled in public school who’s prone to the eigth-grade meat-heads and I’ve got appointments every Wednesday and Thursday, and not in a good way. I wish I wasn’t so okay with the idea of never being with you. I wish that I possessed the heart of a lion, so that every time I called your name you’d fall in love with the idea of mine. I wish that I could be strong enough to sweep you off your feet and that I could be a lover in your eyes, that I could make you laugh until you cry and smile so bright you radiate light that reaches up to the very gates of heaven and even touch the darkened alleyways of hell. I wish I could spell each word that is swelling up inside me. I wish that they could be free and that we simply could be. I wish that I hadn’t waited this long to realize the way I feel about you, cause we’re in our last semester and I won’t be here in three month’s time. I wish that I could stare into your eyes, hours on end cause they’re beautiful enough to calm the qualms of the heart. I wish we fit into each other’s arms cause if we did I’d never let us go. I wish there was an “us”. I wish I had a chance. I wish I had a shot. I wish because wishing is all I’ve got and I dream of finding those cellar doors, and giving love a shot from the inside-out, I hope you don’t forget me when I go. I hope you will be happy, I hope I will see you again, I hope tomorrow I can hold your heart as well as your hand.
©Ken Mankin
